Dear Reader,
Thanks for once again joining me for my epistolary shenanigans. It means a lot to me to have you along. Today, I have one new letter, one old letter with a reply (from a guy who is now dead), and one old unanswered letter to a guy who is still alive.
Speaking of dead… I consider a letter dead if three months have passed without a response. So expect to see more of those letters making it into this newsletter. Once I feel there’s little chance of a reply, I see nothing wrong with sharing them with you. I hope you enjoy reading them even more than I did writing them.
Bumble Bee Seafoods
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
July 22, 2022
Bumble Bee Seafoods
Corporate Headquarters
280 10th Ave.
San Diego, CA 92101
Dear Bumble Bee Tuna,
I like Bumble Bees. They are probably my second favorite bee. Obviously, the honey bee is cooler since it makes a food we can eat. Bumble bees are almost as cool though. I read once that according to physics that the bumble bee isn't even supposed to be able to fly, but it still does. Bumble bees obviously don't care about physics!
Anyway, enough of that. That's not why I am writing at all. I just wanted to say that I like your tuna. I tend to get the solid white albacore in water. I always buy the cans, since when I was a kid tuna never came in pouches. I plan to try the cracked pepper and sea salt, but haven't yet. I like to make tuna melts with cheddar cheese and mayo. It's pretty much the only way I eat tuna besides on crackers. I get mad when a store doesn't carry Bubble Bee tuna.
Tunafish is one of my favorite lunches. It's tasty, easy, and affordable. More people should eat more tuna, I say.
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
BUMBLE BEE
SEAFOODS
September 25, 2022
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010-0546
Dear Christopher:
Thank you for taking the time to contact us about our Bumble Bee Light Tuna in Water Sea Salt and Cracked
Pepper. We apologize for the delay in our reply but we thank you for giving us the opportunity to respond.
It is a pleasure to hear from a consumer who enjoys our products. It's also nice to hear that our efforts to produce a superior product are appreciated.
Your comments are always welcome and appreciated. We hope you will continue to use and enjoy our products by redeeming the enclosed coupons.
Sincerely,
Julie Butts
BUMBLE BEE
SEAFOODS
Consumer Affairs Correspondent
Case#: 885553
2 BB Free 2.5 oz Light Pch - $2.99
2 BB .25 Any Product
Prince Philip
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
August 31, 2012
Prince Philip
His Royal Highness The Duke of Edinburgh
Buckingham Palace
London SW1A 1AA
Dear Prince Philip,
I am glad to hear you are doing better. I once had a bladder infection and it was no laughing matter! I hope neither of us ever get one again.
A good friend of mine, and one of your subjects —a young man by the name of Ned Donovan— is a huge fan of yours. Ned’s done a few nice things for me over the years (he once sent me a bag of Quavers crisps since we don’t have these in my country), so I would like to do something nice for Ned in return.
I figure since Ned’s too polite of a lad to ask for himself I would write to find out if I could get an autographed photo. If you send it to the address above I promise I’ll make sure he gets it. I once asked your wife for a photo, but her Senior Correspondence Officer, Mrs. Sonia Bonici, said she only gives them out to people she knows. I’m hoping you don’t have such a policy. I would hate to disappoint Ned.
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
p.s. my father is named Philip, but he’s not a prince.
From: Captain Richard Hutton, Grenadier Guards,
Assistant Equerry to H.R.H. The Duke of Edinburgh
BUCKINGHAM PALACE
19th September, 2012
Dear Mr Jorgensen
The Duke of Edinburgh has asked me to write and thank you for your letter dated 31st August.
As you rightly point out in your letter, members of the Royal Family make it a rule not to send their autographs, so I am sorry that it will not be possible for His Royal Highness to do as you ask. I hope you will understand.
Thank you once again for your trouble in writing and Prince Philip sends you his best wishes for the future.
Yours Sincerely
Richard Hutton
Mr. Christopher L. Jorgensen
BUCKINGHAM PALACE, LONDON SW1A 1AA
TELEPHONE: 020 7930 4832 FACSIMILE: 020 7839 5402
Romney for President, Inc.
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
April 11, 2012
Romney for President, Inc.,
PO Box 149756,
Boston, MA 02114-9756
Dear Mitt Romney,
I would like to see a copy of your birth certificate. I think we can both agree this is fair, since idiots and bigots have been asking the current guy for his for years. These ignoramuses weren’t even happy after Obama finally provided a copy. What more do you think it would have taken to satisfy these nutters? Refusal to send me your birth certificate will just put you in the same position. It’s best to just get out in front of these scandals (if you ask me). Don’t worry, if you provide me with a reasonable facsimile of a certificate of live birth I won’t be a jackass and pretend like it’s not a “real” birth certificate.
I’m told that being a US citizen is a requirement for the office you seek. It just seems like if we are going to ask one candidate for his birth certificate we should ask them all. (Otherwise you end up with rightwing hypocrisy.) I’m all about fairness! I haven’t seen birth your certificate yet, but I have seen that Obama guy’s. Even if his is a fake, so far it’s better than what you have provided.
So I must ask, can I get your birth certificate? Failure to provide one promptly will probably result in a bad publicity and stupid billboards (there’s precedent!).
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
I’ve spent $100 on stamps and $200 on the PO Box rental since spinning this project back up. If you can see it in yourself to become a supporter of the site, please do. I can’t keep Jackass Letters and this newsletter going without your help (and by help I mean money).
In closing out this edition of the newsletter I just want to give a big thank you to the people who have supported my endeavors thus far. You know who you are. Thank you!
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen