All the Little Things
and they're all little things
Dear Readers and Listeners,
I’m glad to see you back. This week I have a new letter for you from P.F. Chang’s, a vintage letter with reply from NASA, and a letter I wrote to Mouth when the pandemic was just starting. Man, two years on…did I get a lot wrong in that last letter.
Did you know you can buy many of these letters in book form? I’m told they make great bathroom reading, but I’m not sure if that is a compliment or not. Anyway, buy them wherever books are sold. You’ll probably have to special order them, but here’s a link to Jackass Letters: Archive Volume 1 and a link to Jackass Letters: Archive Volume 2 on Amazon. Buy them and make me less poor or just support me directly. These links will be in the show notes.
If you do buy one of my books I would love for you to leave an honest and unbiased— even if you love me—review. I’d also love a photo of you holding a copy and will probably even put it in this very newsletter! You’ll be famous.
P.F. CHANGS
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
July 15, 2022
P.F. Chang’s
8377 E. Hartford, 2nd floor
Scottsdale AZ 85255
Dear P.F. Chang’s,
I think eating at P.F. Chang’s is awesome. I love your lettuce wraps, but if I'm honest, I like the filling, not the lettuce. I also love the calamari, but I feel bad for eating it. Squids are such cool creatures I feel guilty putting them in my mouth, but they are too tasty. Once you get your appetizers it's onto the main dish, and honestly, I don't think you can go wrong here. I love almost everything on your menu. It's better than Panda Express. Costs more, but you get what you pay for!
I'm hungry right now, but it's a bit too early for lunch. If you guys made breakfast I'd probably be in my car right now, but I have to wait a couple more hours. I think I'll order a lunch and a meal to go. I'm greedy like that.
Don't change anything. You're perfect the way you are.
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
P.F. CHANGS
Dear Mr. Jorgensen,
Thank you for writing into us! It is wonderful to get positive comments about our restaurants. At P.F. Chang's, our message is, "We are truly glad that you are here, and we will do everything we can to make you want to come back." It is gratifying to receive compliments like yours because we have succeeded in our efforts. We appreciate you taking the time to share your experience with us. I will share your kind words with our entire team.
We look forward to serving you again soon!
Warm Regards,
Abbie
Guest Relations
8377 E HARTFORD DRIVE, 2ND FLR I SCOTTSDALE, AZ 85255 1 P 480.888.3000 1 F 480.888.3001 I PFCHANGS.COM
NASA
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
September 1, 2011
NASA
Public Communications Office
NASA Headquarters
Suite 5K39
Washington, DC 20546-0001
Dear NASA,
Since you’re not going to be launching anymore shuttles I think you should do something else to keep people’s attention. I propose you shoot another monkey into space! This would be fun and can’t be that expensive. I bet people would become avid followers of this space monkey. You could make a twitter feed for it and a Facebook page and a YouTube channel and stuff and people could watch the monkey’s every move!
I know I’d pay attention. While this wouldn’t be anything new (we’ve had monkeys in space before) it has been long enough since the last monkeyed flight that this would at least be novel!
If you’re not interested in doing this I was hoping you could send along some suggestions about how I might try this on my own. I’m pretty sure I can come up with the monkey if you know where I can get a rocket I think I’ll be set! I’d rather leave this to the professionals though so please consider doing this. I think it would be great!
You should name the monkey Yuri.
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen.
National Aeronautics and Space Administration
Headquarters
Washington, DC 20546-0001
Reply to Attn of: Office of Communications September 23, 2011
Christopher L. Jorgensen
P.O. Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
Dear Mr. Jorgensen:
This is in response to your letter of September 1, 2011.
The President’s fiscal year 2011 budget request provides for expanding NASA’s climate research and aeronautics program which emphasizes the Next Generation Air Transportation System, continuing the strong space science program, enabling transformative technology essential to human exploration, and significant support for commercial spaceflight services to low-Earth orbit.
You may have had the opportunity to hear President Obama on April 15, 2010, during his visit to NASA’s Kennedy Space Center. He talked directly to the issues you raise. NASA’s Constellation Program is being restructured and the Space Shuttle fleet will be retired. The President believes that the space program needs new direction, and he declared, that by 2025, we will send humans to land on an asteroid. He also stated, “By the mid-2030’s, I believe we can send humans to orbit Mars and return them safely to Earth. Landing on Mars will follow, and I expect to be around to see it.”
NASA is committed to exploration with both humans and robots. This new direction will change the way NASA does things, but will not change what the Agency does. There is nothing in this new path that precludes NASA from sending humans to the Moon, Mars, or elsewhere. In fact, it provides for the technologies required to do so, and NASA embraces the opportunity to build the infrastructure for a long-term sustainable spacefaring Nation.
Thank you for your interest in NASA.
Sincerely,
Public Communications Program
Public Outreach Division
Office of Communications
Mouth
Mouth
68 Jay Street, Suite 316
Brooklyn, NY 11201
October 30, 2020
Dear Mouth,
Man, I miss good food. I used to dine out and get takeout and due to the pandemic I am forced to make all my meals at home. This isn’t all bad. I get to put as much cheese on things as I want without having anyone looking at me funny, and I get to make food too hot for even me to eat (I still soldier through though!). But I have to admit, seven months in, I am getting bored with the things I know how to make and have the kitchen appliance to do so successfully.
I miss good pizza. Indian food. Mexican food. Chinese food. I try my best, but only my Mexican food seems to be decent, but then it’s hard to tell once I cover it in enough cheese. I miss desserts, appetizers, and à la carte. I miss all the things. Even when I do a better job at home than the restaurants, I miss having someone wait on me, miss having someone else expend the effort of making my food, and miss being able to feel smugly superior when I know I’d do a better job.
TV dinners don’t cut it, so don’t even suggest those!
I like fish, and fowl, and many vegetarian dishes. I can’t abide vegan dishes though. I’ve got to have my dairy!
I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back outside. Some days I fear it’ll go on forever. Some days I feel like it’s the end of days. So many of the places I like to eat have closed their doors forever, and I don’t see new places starting up until people are willing to eat at them again. Anyway, all of this is a long way of saying that I think I am going to need to find new sources of home food. So knowing my tastes, where do you suggest I start? There are too many options on your website.
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
That’s it for this edition of the Jackass Letters newsletter. Please subscribe, like, share, and hit reply if you have something to say. I’ll be seeing you.
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen