Cuckoo Clocks Are of the Devil
Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
jackassletters.com is one man’s epistolary exploration of the world he lives in.
Dead Reader or Listener,
Perhaps you have noticed I am adding narration to these letters. I’ve wanted to do this from the beginning, so I could use these posts as podcast episodes as well. You didn’t know there was a podcast? Well, find me on Apple Podcasts or here’s the direct link to my feed. Don’t want to listen there? Well, you’re in luck! I’ve embedded the episode at the top of this post, or you can listen to past episodes on JackassLetters.com. Obviously, I’ll include these links in the show notes!
Today I am giving you three letters from the archives. All with replies. First, there is a letter to Subway about not being able to get turkey on a free breakfast sandwich, then a letter to Pope Benedict XVI where I send him $1 for all the impure thoughts I have, and finally a letter to Double Bubble bubble gum.
Subway
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
May 4, 2010
SUBWAY Restaurant Headquarters
325 Bic Drive
Milford, CT 06461-3059 USA
Dear Subway,
First off, thanks for the free Subway breakfast sandwich! It was better than I expected. I do have one small complaint though. I had the Western Egg White Muffin Melt, but without meat. I tried to get turkey on it instead, since I don’t eat pork, but was told I couldn’t. I realize “beggars can’t be choosers,” but if the idea was to promote a new product this was a dumb way to go about it! I mean, if I had been a paying customer would I have been allowed to do this? I’m guessing so, but who knows? I doubt I’ll risk it though!
Anyway, it was a nice treat, but I’ll probably be sticking to the lunch menu. Thanks!
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
Subway
serviced by
Franchise World Headquarters, LLC
325 Bic Drive, Milford, CT 06461 • (203) 877-4281
May 24 2010
CHRISTOPHER L. JORGENSEN
P.O. BOX 546
AMES, IA 50010
Dear Mr Jorgensen:
First, allow me to apologize. Secondly, I would like to thank you for taking the time to contact us and share your comments. I am sorry to learn that your visit was not what you had expected it to be.
Our customers provide us with valuable input, which we use to improve our operations. As part of our commitment to our customers I have shared your comments with the regional office in your area as well as the owner of the SUBWAY® restaurant that you have visited.
Again, I appreciate you taking the time to contact us. SUBWAY® looks forward to your continued visits.
Sincerely,
Jennifer Sullivan x1612
Customer Service Representative
Customer ID: 2051029
His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
April 15, 2008
His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI
Vaticano City
Italy
Dear His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI,
Any way I could get an autographed photo?
You should consider bringing back the sale of indulgences. This could be a real money maker for for The Catholic Church! I’m thinking only for venial sins, but that’s really your call.
This might help offset some of the financial losses due to the ongoing sex abuse scandals in the United States and elsewhere. Think about it.
I am enclosing one United States Dollar for the impure thoughts I constantly have. I doubt if this is enough money for them all, but it’s the gesture that counts, right?
Thanks,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
p.s. I heard that muslims now outnumber catholics. Does the Vatican have a plan to encourage more catholic women to have more babies? Perhaps it is time to allow priests and nuns to get married (not to each other of course, that would obviously be wrong).
enc: $1
[Editor’s note: A signed photo is all that was received in reply.]
Double Bubble
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
June 16, 2008
Double Bubble
c/o Concord Confections LTD.
345 Courtland Avenue
Concord, Ontario, Canada
L4K 5A6
Dear Double Bubble,
I think you should come out with a commercial with witches chewing gum and chanting:
Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and caldron bubble.
They could be mixing up a batch of gum while doing it. See, the quote has “Double Bubble” in it and such a commercial would go over great with the English major types! And the best part is since Shakespeare’s dead you wouldn’t have to pay him any royalties!
Oh, and I tried to send you my idea using your internet webpage, but all I got was a page that said:
The requested URL /contact.html was not found on this server.
This is kind of annoying. A broken link right on your main page! You should fire your webguy. Why are you making is so hard for people to contact you? What are you TRYING TO HIDE!
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
Tootsie Roll Industries, LLC
7401 South Cicero Avenue • Chicago, IL 60629 • (773) 838-3400
Fax 773/838-3534
June 26, 2008
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
Dear Christopher:
Thank you for writing. Our consumers are loyal, and consequently, we do on occasion receive letters of suggestion from the public.
Our product research and development, as well as marketing and advertising, are all internal, and so we do not accept outside suggestions.
We, of course, realize that you wrote to us with the very best of intentions, and we do appreciate your interest in our company and our products.
Sincerely,
TOOTSIE ROLL INDUSTRIES, INC.
for Concord Confections
Janet M. Vasilenko
Consumer/Public Relations
Administrator
Well, as always, thanks for being a part of my letter writing endeavors whether you are a reader or a listener or both. Remember to tell others about this newsletter. Bring it up until your friends find you as annoying as mine do. Subscribe. Like. Reply. Support.
See you next Sunday!
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
Christopher L. Jorgensen can be found at jackassletters.com and also on twitter @jackassletters
See ya next time!