Dear Duck Brand Adhesive Remover
(An all new letter, an oldie, and one that went out the door yesterday)
Dear Reader,
I’m up to 89 letters out the door since July 1st. Duck Brand is my first reply. I was starting to get worried. Whew! As always, hit reply if you have something to say, forward this newsletter to any you think may enjoy it, and post to the social media of your choice. Or not, as you see fit.
Duck Brand Adhesive Remover
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
July, 11 2022
Duck Brand
Shurtape Technologies, LLC.
Attn: Consumer Relations
32150 Just Imagine Dr.
Avon, OH 44011
Dear Duck Brand Adhesive Remover,
I use a lot of your products from your tape to your shipping supplies, but my favorite is your adhesive remover. People don't give adhesive remover the respect it deserves, but it's a product that does the job and does the job well. Have some adhesive you need removed? Duck Brand Adhesive Remover is there to save the day with a pleasing orange scent. It just works. You can say that about too few things these days.
I have to admit, sometimes I look for adhesive on things just so I can have an excuse to use the adhesive remover. My favorite is removing the adhesive from paper sticker residue. Duck Brand Adhesive Remover makes short work of this task. I like your tape and your boxes as well, but not as much as your adhesive remover.
Keep making great products and I'll keep using them. Deal?
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
Shurtape
TECHNOLOGIES
July 14, 2022
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010-0546
Hello Christopher,
Thank you for writing Shurtape Technologies with such kind and thoughtful comments about our adhesive remover. We always appreciate hearing comments from our customers, and yours were particularly rewarding.
While your letter was received by the Consumer Relations Department, it will be shared with all the Shurtape Technologies partners. It is very important that we communicate to all our team members that their dedication to quality and commitment to service is being noticed.
If you have any questions, comments or suggestions, please feel free to call us at (800) 321-0253, Monday through Friday, between the hours of 9:00 a.m. and 4:00 p.m. Eastern Time; or visit us on the Web at www.duckbrand.com. For contests and promotions please, follow us on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram for updates. You can also sign up to receive email alerts at http://www.duckbrand.com/info/subscribe
Again, on behalf of all Shurtape Technologies partners, thank you for choosing our products and brightening our day with your feedback!
Sincerely,
Tammy
Consumer Relations Resentative
Shurtape Technologies
Case #: 1011035
For those wondering, I do use Duck Brand Adhesive Remover, and also for those wondering, it does work great. I am not being paid to say that either, though if anyone wants to pay me to say nice things about them, I’m totally willing.
And here’s an old letter I loved writing. It’s 100% true. You can find the story online if you don’t believe me. Governor Rick Perry did send me a photo, but it was stamped on the back with a notice that said I couldn’t use it, so I didn’t.
Governor Rick Perry
May 3, 2010
Governor Rick Perry
Office of the Governor
P.O. Box 12428
Austin, Texas 78711-2428
Dear Governor Rick Perry,
Glad you and the puppy are fine! Can I get an autographed photo of you with the puppy?
I’m sure Peta is all up in your grill for shooting that coyote, but those people need to get a sense of humor! I mean how much funnier can you get than having the fine Governor (you), of one of these United States (Texas), shooting a coyote, with a laser sighted, .380 Ruger pistol, loaded with hollow-point bullets, while out jogging with a labrador retriever puppy, all because he’s afraid of snakes! You can’t make stuff like that up! Pure comedy gold, but I bet not one Peta person finds it as funny as I do!
I’m not sure if I’m allowed to run around with a gun in Iowa, but we don’t have as many snakes here anyway. Besides, I’m probably not in good enough shape to carry a .380 Ruger around. What do you think, should I start with something lighter like a .22?
By the way, what do you think Gov. Chet Culver’s chances are for reelection? I’m thinking not very good, but that’s only because former-Gov. Terry Branstad is back in the race!
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
p.s. are you at all related to the American actor Luke Perry? He was pretty good in “Jeremiah,” although I think most everything else he’s done has sucked. I’d still take his autographed photo if you are related and could pull it off!
Governor Perry asks that no reproduction of the enclosed photograph(s) be made without his express approval. In order to accommodate all requests, our office has implemented a policy that recipients may use photographs only for their own personal use. Governor Perry asks that photograph(s) not be used or reproduced in a fashion to imply endorsement of any particular business, organization, cause, office or candidacy. Thank you for your cooperation.
Recently Sent
July 19, 2022
Hostage Tape
19320 Waterford Place
Excelsior, MN 55331
Dear Hostage Tape,
I get that your product is meant to combat snoring, but it got me to wondering if it could be used in an actual hostage situation? I mean, hypothetically, if you had someone you wanted to keep from screaming, would your tape work? I'm guessing not, but thought I would ask. I have never been in a situation where I needed to keep someone from being heard, but have been in several where it has been tempting. People say all kinds of stupid stuff and it would be awesome to just pop some Hostage Tape over their mouths and shut them right up.
But then you need something to keep them from just taking the tape off, no? You need some sort of binding for their hands for sure and probably their feet too. Obviously, I haven't put a lot of thought into this, but I am sure you have. You would have named your product something entirely different if you weren't going after the kidnapper market. I would have called your tape something like “Snore No More” if it were me and I wanted people to know what it was supposed to do.
A woman friend of mine sent me your ad. She said the marketing of your product was “absolutely disgusting” followed by three barf emojis. See, I think calling it Hostage Tape might backfire with people who are actually afraid of being taken hostage. You know, people like women. I'd consider a name change if I were you. You can use my suggestion of “Snore No More” if you like.
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
I hope you are enjoying these newsletters as much as I am writing them. Now that replies are starting to come in this will probably be the formula: A new letter, an old letter, a just sent letter. All content on Substack is now exclusive to Substack, so this is the only place to get new Jackass Letters.
Thanks for reading.
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen