Dear Reader,
As I wait for new responses I once again bring you five letters that failed to get a response. I thought they were decent letters, but I guess they didn’t make the cut. Perhaps these places never write back, or perhaps they saw right through the ruse and decided they weren’t going to engage.
While I didn’t get a response from Hy-Vee I still consider that letter a success. They stopped sending me advertisements to my PO Box. Win! I got Hy-Vee ads in the PO Box on Oct. 1.
Lovehoney
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
July 5, 2022
Lovehoney
5156 Southridge Parkway, Suite 110
College Park, Georgia, 30349
Dear Lovehoney,
First, I want to thank you for not making things any weirder than they have to be. I like to imagine I am a progressive sex positive individual, but I also grew up in the Bible Belt so some of my “love map” is no fault of mine. I say this so you can understand, that while I would like to be more adventurous in the bedroom, we both know this isn't going to happen.
I like the idea of “marital aids,” but for the longest time I've felt that men have been excluded from this realm. (Well, at least the well-adjusted men.) All the sex toys for men looked like something you would find in a serial killer's house. You're normal guy just isn't going to have body parts laying about. For decades it seemed like the only toys for men were purchased as gag gifts. I mean, I hope no one actually uses a blow up doll (not that I would judge if they did).
I need a website like yours that is straight forward and clinical and that has toys for men that seem downright appealing. Still, I'm unsure of where to start. What is most men's first time purchase for themselves? I'm looking for something that will treat me right and that is easy to clean and hopefully dishwasher safe. What do you recommend for a long time adult toy fan, first time buyer?
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
Hy-Vee
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
July 5, 2022
Hy-Vee, Inc.
5820 Westown Parkway
West Des Moines, Iowa 50266-8223
Dear Hy-Vee,
This is a very important letter (at least to me). Could you please take my PO Box off your mailing list? While I do appreciate your flyers I get them at home also. I don't need two sets and to be honest, I don't check my PO Box as often as I should, so when I do, it's usually packed to the top with out of date Hy-Vee mailings.
If this letter isn't the way to go about this, let me know. If I have to call someone, or offer a bribe, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to stop getting your mail in my PO Box.
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
p.s. I love your donuts. Too bad I can't get them delivered
.
Havahart Live Animal Traps
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
July 5, 2022
Woodstream Corporation, Inc.
29 E. King Street
Lancaster, PA 17602
Dear Havahart Live Animal Traps,
One of the few entertainments I have left in life is relocating chipmunks. I call them streaky squirrels, but I'm pretty sure they're the same animal. Anyway, I like to set my Havahart live animal trap and wait for the little buggers to go in there to eat some nuts. Every now and again I don't set the trap correctly and they manage to escape, but this is no big deal as they are dumb enough to fall for the trap a second time.
After I've captured a streaky squirrel I throw a towel over the cage so they will be less scared and then I drive them into the country and let them go. Sometimes, I feel a little bad about this, as I am sure I am breaking up streaky squirrel families, and also if they are a pest for me, then they are probably a pest for the farmer whose property I let them go on. Way I see it though this beats killing them!
Every now and again I capture a bunny by mistake. I don't have a garden, so rabbits don't really bother me, so I just let these animals go with a warning.
Anyway, I've probably relocated dozens and dozens of those little annoying chipmunks. This is all thanks to you. They're someone else's problem now!
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
p.s. I wish I lived somewhere where I could use an armadillo trap. Those would be especially fun to drop off in the country.
Sonic
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
July 5, 2022
Sonic
300 Johnny Bench Drive
Oklahoma City, OK 73104
Dear Sonic,
I crave your food a lot. Unfortunately, I don't get to eat it as much as I would like as the closest drive in is quite a ways away. You should consider opening a location closer to me. I would eat at your restaurant more often if you did.
I like pretty much anything of yours that has chicken or ice cream in it.
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
Blank Park Zoo
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
September 13, 2010
Blank Park Zoo
7401 Southwest 9th Street
Des Moines, IA 50315-6667
Dear Blank Park Zoo,
I heard you had a night where people could come and drink beer and watch the animals getting it on. Is this true? What night is this and how much does it cost?
Also, what kind of beer is there?
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
Well, that’s all folks. Bye bye. Have a good day. See ya. Later alligator.
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen