Dear Reader,
I hope these letters are still amusing to you even without replies. If not, you know where to complain. I like to imagine the person getting these letter and reading them and maybe hanging one up in their corporate America cubical. Most likely, they read two lines and it goes into the trash, but about a third of the time, someone sits down and actually writes out a response.
I consider a letter dead after three months. I’m happy when I am wrong, and it happens, but not that often. So I wrote these, had fun writing them, have given up on getting a reply, and am now sharing them. I hope you enjoy reading them.
Momofuku
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
July 5, 2022
Momo Orchard Holdings Inc
104 W 27th St
New York, NY 10001
Dear Momofuku,
First off, I have to ask how to pronounce Momofuku. I don't want to say it wrong for obvious reasons. Second, I want to say that I love your extra spicy “Chili Crunch.” I don't know how you can make something soaked in oil crunchy, but you pull it off to great taste! I love a good chili oil and yours is the best I've had so far in my half a century of life. I imagine I'll never have better. This fills me with mixed emotions.
I recently tried your variety noodle pack because I had a noodle craving. I have to say I liked the Spicy Soy noodles more than the Tingly Chili wavy noodles, so next time I'll probably order a case of just the Spicy Soy. I haven't tried the Soy & Scallion yet, so there's a chance it'll end up being my favorite, but it'll be hard to edge out the Spicy Soy.
I plan to order the Momofuku cookbook, since I don't have a Momofuku near me, and I tend to eat all my meals at home regardless. I'll let you know what I think of the cookbook once I get it and make something out of it.
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
Feast & Fury Craft Potato Chips
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
July 5, 2022
Feast & Fury
4425 South Mopac Expy.
Bldg 2, Suite 202
Austin, Texas 78735
Dear Feast & Fury Craft Potato Chips,
I have a question for you. How many people have died eating your "The Duel Pepper X” chips? I have challenged a lad of less than half my years to a chip duel. He foolishly accepted, but I am afraid I might kill him. I don't know what kind of liability this would open us up to if that happened. After all, you would bear some of the responsibility, no?
I'd ask my lawyer, but last time I asked him legal advice he got mad, since I asked him on twitter. I don't remember what I asked, but I'll have you know, I got away with it, since I am still a free man.
Anyway, before I eat this chip I want to know what my chances of surviving are. I'm really not as worried about killing my opponent as I should be. I figure if he willingly and consensually puts the chip in his mouth, there's not a lot I can do about that, right? We all have to make our own decisions in life, but if you are aware of people dying, I would like to let him know so he can make an informed choice.
If people have died and you are still selling these chips, and I kill this kid, I am pretty sure that's a RICO charge, and neither of us want that! So is there a chance one of us will die? Or will we just wish we were dead?
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
adidas
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
July 5, 2022
adidas
America 5055 N. Greeley Avenue
Portland, OR 97217
Dear adidas,
I just ordered a pair of your NMD_R1 V2 shoes online. You were out of all black in the size I needed, but I look good in white too. I do have to say the whole ordering process was easy peasy, but I'm still a bit uncomfortable with the idea of getting shoes online. I mean, what if they aren't exactly the right size? Or what if they are not comfortable?
I like to walk around in a shoe store, seeing if the shoes I am wearing are going to work out. Usually, I spend like an hour selecting the perfect pair of shoes. Not today! Today I did the whole thing from selection to checking out in like ten minutes.
I'll be sure to let you know what I think of the shoes when they arrive. I hope thy look as stylish in real life as they did in the ad that got me sucked in.
Keep up the good work, and could you let me know when you get more NMD_R1 V2 in all black back in?
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
Flock Chicken Chips
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
July 6, 2022
Flock Chicken Chips
2044 Union St.
San Francisco, CA 94123
Dear Flock Chicken Chips,
I am so confused. I was always taught that chicken skin was BAD for you. Now you're telling me I should eat it as a snack? My world is now upside-down. I mean, I buy bulk boneless skinless chicken breasts because they are supposed to be healthier that the more tasty ones with skin, so now I am questioning my culinary decisions.
I have to say, a bag of fried chicken skins sounds pretty tasty right now (and I just finished eating). I may give them a go. I'm still a bit dubious about the whole idea. I'm a meat and potatoes kind of guy, so what would be really fun would be to serve these chicken skins with potato chips, maybe with some gravy for dipping?
I'm going to have to give this some thought.
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
Potbelly Sandwich Works, LLC
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
July 6, 2022
Potbelly Sandwich Works, LLC
111 N. Canal Street, Suite 850
Chicago, Il 60606
Dear Potbelly Sandwich Works,
The girlfriend and I get sandwiches delivered almost every week. We tend to take advantage our your "Double Point Thursdays" to earn free sandwiches as fast as we can using "Potbelly Perks.” We tend to get pretty much the same order every time. Chicken flat bread with mushrooms for me, regular bread with chicken and Swiss for her. We're kind of predictable that way.
I do have to say I sometimes like to shake things up a bit and I get the turkey on regular bread, but I don't like it as much as my usual order. I just like variety. This is why I am writing.
What do you think the chances of getting some more bread choices are? I would love a focaccia or a good sour dough. Maybe a jalapeño and cheddar cheese? I'm getting hungry just thinking about the possibilities. I know I'd order more often if there were more bread choices. I'd make the same case for vegetables; more variety would be good, but I probably wouldn't eat them anyway. No, I'm only after more choices for bread.
Think about it and let me know, ok?
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
Coming Soon:
The next Jackass Letters newsletter will have a letter from P.F. Chang’s to regale you with. I’m telling you this now so you can mark your calendars and have something to look forward to! See you then.
As usual, if you like what I’m doing here, tell a friend, like it wherever you’re reading it, subscribe if you haven’t already, show me some support, reach out and say hello. I do this for you. Show me some love too.
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen