Dear Reader,
I try. I write and write and write, and I get replies. I really do. You’ve seen them. Sure, these were failures, but many of my letters get a response. Honestly, it’s more fun for me to wonder which will be answered and which were just too dumb for the person or company to fall for. Anyway, here’s a mixture of ones I thought would get a reply, and ones I was pretty sure wouldn't.
Blaze Pizza
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
July 6, 2022
Blaze Pizza
35 N Lake Ave., Suite 710
Pasadena, CA 91101
Dear Blaze Pizza,
You know what I like about your pizza? That the toppings are all the same price. I get four different kinds of cheese, two kinds of garlic (minced and roasted), chicken, mushrooms, jalapeños, Kalamata olives, and whatever else sounds good at the time, and the price is pretty much the same as if I got a one topping pizza. I love it!
I do most of the cooking around the house, so when I want a night off we often order Blaze Pizza. This tends to work out fairly well, but once my pizza was smooshed, and couple of times it was a bit cold. No big deal though. The crushed one still tasted good, and we have an oven to warm them up if the pizzas aren't quite hot enough. It works out great.
I probably shouldn't admit this, but I can eat a whole pizza by myself, so I seldom have leftovers, unless I splurged and got the cheesy bread also. So we do his and hers pizzas, and nights where I don't feel like cooking, your pizza hits the spot! The girlfriend always has leftovers though.
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
CHKN Not Chicken
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
July 6, 2022
CHKN Not Chicken
1631 NW Thurman Street, Suite 400
Portland OR 97209
Dear CHKN Not Chicken,
I don't think I ever want to be a vegetarian, but I did quit eating red meat. I am down to fish and fowl. I don't like contributing to wasteful industries, and meat just takes up so much land, and has such a negative impact on the environment, that I try to cut back. I've tried some meat substitutes like the Impossible Burger, but while the taste is OK, the texture isn't, and they go off in the fridge too fast.
It's possible I would eat less chicken if your CHKN Not Chicken has a good flavor and texture. I'm going to give it a try. I'll probably just have it on some chips with cheese, but if I get creative or adventurous I'll be sure to let you know!
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
People For the American Way
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
July 6, 2022
People For the American Way
1101 15th Street, NW, Suite 600
Washington, DC 20005
Dear People For the American Way,
Like Superman, I'm all for “Truth, Justice, and the American Way.” I just don't know what this means anymore. I was thinking maybe you could tell me.
We have politicians committing crime right out in the open and not being held accountable. We’re unable to walk down the street, attend movies, schools, or even places of worship without fear of gun violence. There is no longer robust debate amongst people of good faith. Partisanship has overtaken reality and facts. Science takes a backseat to punditry. The Supreme Court is off the rails and out of control, and near I can tell, we’re headed to hell in a hand basket.
So maybe you could tell me how to keep the faith? Because the way I see it, if one were to try to live the American Dream these days there are better countries to do it in. Countries that still value the separation of church and state. Countries where abortion rights aren't being rolled back. Countries where trans people stand a chance at happiness. This sure isn't America these days.
Do me a favor and help me define what the American Way even means anymore.
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
Smart Approaches to Marijuana
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
July 6, 2022
SAM
107 S. West Street Suite 757
Alexandria, VA 22314
Dear Smart Approaches to Marijuana,
While I agree with you that “Big tobacco, pharma, and alcohol” are taking over marijuana this isn't a reason to fight legalization. This is a reason to fight those industries. Marijuana should be legal. No one benefits by keeping it illegal as it is already available to all those who want it. Making it illegal only criminalizes a behavior that should be a personal choice.
When you talk of marijuana's victims it is little more than a fear-mongering scare tactic. Are there people harmed by marijuana? Sure. But there are also people who benefit from access to legal cannabis. Denying access to one group only harms the other, and again, marijuana is available to anyone who wants to partake. All we are doing is turning otherwise law abiding citizens into criminals.
One need only look at the states that have legalized to see the benefits. The number of people no longer requiring incarceration alone makes it worth it.
Adults should be able to do what they like with their own bodies. People should be able to grow or possess cannabis for personal use (or even to sell or give away). We should treat marijuana like we treat alcohol: Regulate it so people know they have access to a safe product. Tax it so the state gets benefit. Allow people to cultivate their own reasonable supply.
What the policies you advocate do is cause more harm than marijuana ever has. The War on Drugs is a failed war and has cost too much to keep fighting. You side has lost. It's an inevitability that legalization is coming. Your focus should be on making sure the laws make sense, not fighting them and pretending this is “smart” policy.
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
Happy Joe’s Pizza & Ice Cream
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
July 7, 2022
Happy Joe’s Pizza & Ice Cream
Support Center
2705 Happy Joe Drive
Bettendorf, IA 52722
Dear Happy Joe’s Pizza & Ice Cream,
I miss you.
I live in Ames, IA. We used to have a Happy Joe's, but we don't anymore, which is plain criminal. I grew up on Happy Joe's. I was two when the first Happy Joe's was opened. I don't remember back that far, and I'm sure I was a bit older before I first started eating your pizza, but not by much!
All your other locations are a bit too far for me to travel on any regular basis, but I do intend to stop next time I drive by one. Anyway, I just wanted to write to let you know I was thinking of you.
Please come back.
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
p.s. It's awesome that taco pizza was invented in Iowa! The world owes you.
Someone, and that someone is you, needs to let me know if you enjoy reading these misfire letters. Are letters without replies worthy of this esteemed Jackass Letters newsletter, or should I just pitch them like the recipient did? I’m going to keep ‘em coming ever Wednesday until I run out, so it that sounds painful, let me know. Just hit reply.
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen