jackassletters.com is one man’s epistolary exploration of the world he lives in.
Welcome to the jackass letters podcast. Christopher L. Jorgensen can also be found at jackassletters.substack.com.
Dear Reader,
I hope this missive finds you well. I also hope the contents will bring you some small amount of joy and frivolity. We could all use a little of that in our lives. Today I bring to you another series of unanswered letters. I’m always a little sad when I have decide to declare a letter dead, but I’ve given up on these. It’s too bad they didn’t get a reply, but you can read them all the same (assuming you can read that is).
Narcan Nasal Spray
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
July 7, 2022
Emergent BioSolutions
401 Plymouth Road
Suite 400
Plymouth Meeting, PA 19462
Dear Narcan Nasal Spray,
I saw a video online of a police officer getting exposed to fentanyl and he collapsed and his fellow officers were forced to use Narcan Nasal Spray to revive him. It took like five doses to bring him around. This leads me to wonder, is fentanyl really that strong, or is Narcan just not as effective as I'm told it is? The only other thing I can think of, that would explain this, is if the cops are lying about these fentanyl exposure incidences.
Someone said the police are like “fainting goats” when they get around possible fentanyl, that it's most likely hysteria or a form of delusion and that fentanyl just isn't as scary as these law enforcement officers would have us civilians believe. I mean, if it's so powerful that even being around the stuff can fell a grown man, then you would think people wouldn't want to take the stuff recreationally.
Am I wrong and fentanyl is as scary as all these videos make it out to be? Should I be carrying several doses of Narcan Nasal Spray? I'd hate to only have one dose and not have that be enough.
Please advise.
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
Culver’s
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
July 7, 2022
Culver’s
1240 Water St
Prairie du Sac, WI 53578
Dear Culver’s,
If I could afford to eat in your restaurant every day I would. You have a menu no one could get tired of. I love your Concrete Mixers and cheese curds, and as I sit here I am craving your thick cut onion rings. I'm pretty sure I'll be eating there tomorrow!
I tend to stick to the fish and fowl side of the menu, since I don't eat red meat, but even cutting out the beef I have a large variety to choose from. The staff is always so polite and I get a discount just for asking.
I want a plate of fries and cheese curds so badly I can't wait for lunch tomorrow. Only problem is what I really want is the fried chicken basket and I don't see that on your menu anymore. Is this gone forever or is fried chicken a seasonal item? I'll probably get the crispy chicken sandwich, but I hope you haven't gotten rid of the fried chicken basket. It was my favorite.
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
TD Ameritrade
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
July 8, 2022
TD Ameritrade, Inc.
PO Box 2229
Omaha, NE 68103-2717
Dear TD Ameritrade, Inc.,
I like money. I wish I had more of it. This is why the only thing I like more than money is investing. This is great when my stocks are going up, but not as exciting when they are crashing. I hate logging in to see my balance lower than the day before. I know that I should see this as a buying opportunity, that the stock is “on sale,” but I much prefer when it goes up! I know stocks are for the long term and I don't plan to sell mine until I actually need the money. I'll be holding at least another five years.
What does drive me a bit crazy is that I can't buy partial shares. I currently own some AAPL and when I get the DRIP I get a share or two and then a partial. I would like to be able to buy enough to make it a nice round number rather than something that ends in .789. Why can't I just buy .211 shares? This would help my OCD. Many of your competitors allow this.
I would like to keep buying $600 a month in stock and not worry exactly how many shares I can get. Right now I just buy a few shares and let the balance of the money sit until I get enough in there for another share. This seems silly. Why have that money just sitting there when I could buy .211 shares and have that money working for me!
Anyway, I'm fairly happy with my account and my returns, so I don't think I will be going anywhere any time soon, but consider the partial shares, ok? I would really dig it.
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
Steak n Shake
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
July 8, 2022
Steak n Shake Enterprises, Inc.
107 S Pennsylvania Street
Suite 400
Indianapolis IN 46204
Dear Steak n Shake,
Have you ever considered adding chicken to your menu? I like your shakes, but I don't eat beef. (It's a personal choice.) It would be nice if I had other options besides steak burgers. I know, it's in your name and everything, but you don't have to change anything. Just add chicken. Maybe fish. Anything that I could eat to go along with my fries and shake (not that I am complaining).
I think adding more variety to your menu would be quite successful and would increase sales, but I am sure I'm not the first one to suggest this. So is there a reason you don't have options for those who don't eat red meat? Maybe try bringing it in as a short term specialty item and see how it does. I know I'd buy one.
I'll understand if this request is rejected, but I will be disappointed. I imagine your chicken sandwich would be quite good.
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
Panda Express
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
July 8, 2022
Panda Restaurant Group, Inc.
1683 Walnut Grove Ave
Rosemead, CA 91770-3711
Dear Panda Express,
OMG your food is so good. The only thing I can complain about are the lines. I always have to wait so long to get my SweetFire Chicken Breast, fried rice, and Chicken Egg Roll that sometimes I question whether it'll be worth it, but it always is. The food is consistently great and no matter where I travel I can usually find a Panda. I wish I knew how many times I've eaten at a Panda. I bet it's hundreds! I'm getting hungry just thinking about it.
With the great food and long lines I was hoping I could become an investor in Panda Express. I bet I'd make a lot of money if I could. I looked, but your company isn't publicly traded. This makes me sad. I guess I'll have to keep my day job and take my money the honest way. You guys aren't planning an IPO any time soon are you? I have some money sitting around if you are.
I plan to eat lunch at Panda Express today. I hope there's a limited time specially item. I like it when you do that.
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
p.s. That’s all you get. Now go away. No, really, go away.
Well, I tried, and in the end that’s all we can do: try our best. Remember, for those who have forgotten, or who don’t pay attention, I am going to be putting out the Jackass Letters newsletter on Sundays only going forward. So see you next week.
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Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen