Denied (Part 6)
jackassletters.com is one man’s epistolary exploration of the world he lives in.
Dear Readers and Listeners,
You know the drill. Five letters without reply. I wrote ‘em though, and have to get some milage out of them. Besides, I am told you like ‘em. I think these should have gotten replies and if I was at these companies I would have written me back!
Keen Boots
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
July 8, 2022
Keen, Inc. Headquarters
515 NW 13th Avenue
Portland, OR 97209
Dear Keen Boots,
I tend to make a lot of poor choices when it comes to being a consumer, but one of the best choices I've made is buying a pair of your hiking boots. I don't know exactly what model I got, but they are high topped and brown and heavy. I love them. They are two years old and look like new! Best $200 I ever spent. I wear them almost exclusively, unless I am wearing shorts, since I think hiking boots and shorts look stupid (even khakis).
I have to admit I'm not exactly a hiker, but I don't think you have to be to enjoy boots like these. They look good, they feel good, and they aren't wearing out. I hope to have these boots for years to come.
I did want to thank you for making such quality footwear. I'll probably be buying a second pair so I can have them in black as well, and if these ever do wear out I'll be sure to replace them. You have one happy and loyal customer.
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
Rob Sand
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
July 8, 2022
Rob Sand
P.O. Box 8382
Des Moines, IA, 50301
Dear Rob Sand (Iowa State Auditor),
I'm a long time fan, first time writer.
I like your jib. I like the way you uncover financial malfeasance and hold people accountable. I've voted for you a couple of times (I think) for State Auditor and I was hoping to vote for you for governor. Truth is, I can't stand Governor Kim Reynolds. I think she's terrible for Iowa and that you would do a much better job. I'm disappointed you didn't decide to run. I'll vote for anyone who runs against her.
I can't stand Kim's position on almost anything from abortion to marijuana to tax cuts for the rich. She drives me to fits. I don't like the cut of her jib at all!
I saw a photo of you online with Jason Momoa at the Waveland Cafe and I am glad I wasn't there. As much as I like Mr. Momoa, I would have been more excited to meet you. This is the truth. You can ask my girlfriend.
Anyway, maybe next time on the whole governor thing? Until then…
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
Tony’s Chocolonely
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
July 8, 2022
Tony’s Chocolonely
450 Broadway, 4th Floor
New York NY 10013
Dear Tony’s Chocolonely,
Happy belated World Chocolate Day 2022. Sorry I missed it. I do this with my dad's birthday and Father's Day as well. I'm always a few days late, but I have the best of intentions. I hope you had a good one! Maybe I'll be on time next year.
I was saddened to learn that chocolate is made with slave labor. I love chocolate. The darker the better. But I don't want to contribute to modern slavery. I want to be a conscientious consumer, so now I plan to look on the label and see if my cocoa is child and slave labor free. It depresses me that this isn't the case for all chocolate.
In a country that values freedom all products produced with slave labor should be banned. This seems obvious to me, but then I am preaching to the choir.
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
p.s. I can't wait to buy one of your chocolate bars. I bet they taste even better without the guilt. The sea salt and caramel one looks best.
Firehouse Subs
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
July 9, 2022
Firehouse Restaurant Group, Inc.
12735 Gran Bay Parkway, Suite 150
Jacksonville, Florida 32258
Dear Firehouse Subs,
I don't know why I like your subs so much, but I do. I think it's the rack of hot sauces to choose from at the end of the counter. I'm not sure if you do this in every store, but you do in Ames, IA, and that's all that really matters to me. I love a good messy sub and hot hot sauce.
I usually order the Spicy Cajun Chicken and get it pretty much without changing a thing. You don't mess with perfection. The staff is always friendly, and they laugh at my jokes even though they aren't funny. The manager came by to make sure my sandwich was meeting expectations. It was and I told him so. He offered me a pickle, since he saw I didn't have one, but I don't like pickles. He was still nice.
There's no reason I won't be back soon.
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
Two Roads Hat Co.
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
July 9, 2022
Two Roads Hat Co.
360 N 700 W Ste A
North Salt Lake, UT 84054-2719
Dear Two Roads Hat Co.,
Nothing makes a man look more stylish than a well crafted hat. I'm an old school type of guy who likes his classic felt hats. I like a lot of hats that don't work with my head shape. I end up looking like either Laurel or Hardy, so I tend to stick with the fedora. You can't go wrong with a properly sized and well-fitting fedora.
I'm a little upset the neckbeards and incels are wearing fedoras and giving them a bad name, but then I have to remind myself I was wearing one long before they became popular amongst the haven't-touched-a-woman set. I'm not one of those “My Lady” losers, but I suppose their money spends the same. I like wearing my fedora with my wool overcoat. Makes me feel distinguished. I got my hat while visiting Prague.
I hope to add to my hat collection soon. It's too hot out to wear one right now, which is too bad. I'm mostly bald on top and like covering this up with a nice hat (I did start wearing hats before I started going bald).
Anyway, nice hats.
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
Please subscribe if you haven’t. Like if you have. Share with others. Support if you are able. Hit reply and give me feedback. I crave the external validation.
Christopher can be found at jackassletters.com and also on twitter @jackassletters
