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For a Short Time
jackassletters.com is one man’s epistolary exploration of the world he lives in.
Dear Readers and Listeners,
I’m still enjoying doing these, so hopefully you are still enjoying reading them. Though, I wish my audience was growing faster than it is. Only one person has bailed so far, so I’m counting that as a win. I’m open to ideas for promotion or getting the word out. Just hit reply if you have any.
This week brings us letters to and from Puddles Pity Party (the greatest singing clown ever), letters to and from Batter Blaster (pancakes in a can!), and an unanswered letter to Penthouse Magazine. Sadly, Batter Blaster is no more, and Penthouse did not reply.
Puddles Pity Party
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
April 14, 2015
Puddles Pity Party
PO Box 374
Avondale Estates GA 30002
Dear Puddles Pity Party,
Enclosed you will find a not so crisp $10.00 for a handmade Puddles Crown. I would like it to be puppet sized, so if you make me one for a small child this should work just fine! If they are one-size-fits-all then I will make do with whatever you send me. I would have just bought this online, but I am afraid the NSA is tracking me, and I would also like an autographed photo!
You can make the photo out to “Christopher L. Jorgensen,” since that is my name.
Every now and again someone like you comes along and I think, “Man, I wish that guy were gay,” then I remember I’m not gay, so it really wouldn’t change anything, but if both of us were gay you would totally be my type! I would totally love being sung to and then going home with a clown. What homosexual man wouldn’t love this?
I hope to make it to one of your shows, but so far you keep playing in countries I have no interest in visiting or in States rational people try to avoid. Please come to Iowa. We let gay people get married here.
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
p.s. A friend of mine is a member of the clown guild, which I find funny, since this makes him an honest to god card carrying clown. He doesn’t get why I think this is funny, so I question his sense of humor. So I was wondering if you were a member of the clown guild? I’d tell you my friend’s name and ask if you knew him, but I know there are just too many clowns out there for you to know them all!
To Christopher L. Jorgensen
Keep weepin’,
Puddles
Batter Blaster
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
January 14, 2010
Batter Blaster, LLC
2210 South Congress Avenue
Austin, TX 78704
Dear Batter Blaster,
love the website and the recipes, but you have two glaring omissions. I've included them below:
Pancakes
1 can Organic Batter Blaster Original
Pancake & Waffle Batter
4 Tbl Butter
Maple syrup to taste
Put batter on griddle, cook. Put butter and syrup on pancake. Eat.
And the worst one to forget is Aebleskivers! All you need is an Aebleskiver pan and a can of Organic Batter Blaster Original Pancake & Waffle Batter! You will make so many Norwegians happy, and there are like millions of them in the Midwest alone! Imagine the market share with Aebleskiver in a can!
In no time a person can master these two recipes and become a Master Batter Blaster. Say that three times fast!
Now all you have to do is come out with orange juice and sausage in a can!
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
Organic Batter Blaster
Original Pancake & Waffle Batter
Dear Christopher,
Thank you for purchasing Batter Blaster and taking the time to write such a thoughtful letter. Just to say thank you for being a Batter Blaster believer, I’ve included a VIP coupon for one free can of BB. We hope you will continue to have great experiences with our product in the future!
Enjoy!
Best,
Sandy Castoro
HR & Office Manager
and Team Batter Blaster
Penthouse Letters
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
October 12, 2010
Penthouse Letters
Editorial and Advertising Offices
20 Broad Street, 14th Floor
New York, NY 10005
Dear Penthouse Letters,
I never thought I'd be writing a letter like this, since I've never bagged a beautiful airline stewardess or even banged some guy's hot wife while her husband looked on from the closet. I am a little into kinky sex though, but since I am Norwegian this means I just leave the lights on while doing it!
This is why I am writing! The other day I did just that, fun sex with the lights on. It was on a dimmer though, so we had them quite low. But they were on! Kinky, huh?
Now I can tell all my friends I wrote a letter to Penthouse Letters. I'll probably lie and tell them I bagged the airline stewardess though. That way when you next run such a letter they will think it is mine. I'll probably try to get my girlfriend to dress up in one of those uniforms and say things like, "Coffee, tea, or me?" This way it wouldn't exactly be a lie.
Keep up the good work!
Any way I could get an autographed photo or something? Also, when you print this letter you don't have to send me any money or anything, but I do wear an X-Large T-Shirt (hint hint!).
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
Did you really expect a reply to that?
Thanks for hanging out with me. Please share with people you think might like this. Like the post on Substack (or wherever you see it). Hit reply if you have something to say. And if you are able, please show some support.
Jackass Letters is an expensive hobby. Stamps, paper, envelopes, and toner cost me hundreds. Add in software, domain registration, hosting fees, illustrators, and the occasional charitable donation (with a letter of course), and the dollars add up. A fiver or ten spot helps out immensely. I’m not greedy, I just don’t want to lose more money than I have to!
If you donate I’ll link to one of your projects or websites (assuming they are appropriate) and thank you in an upcoming newsletter.
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
Hit Christopher up on twitter @jackassletters