Dear Readers and Listeners,
it’s that time of year again where I tell a little story about a squad of Army men trying to shoot a flock of turkeys, I write a letter to Santa and he replies, and I send $5 to Big Cat Rescue to see if I can’t get them to feed a dog to the lions. (Spoiler: I couldn’t.)
Butterball
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
September 22, 2010
Butterball Turkey LLC.
1 Butterball Lane
Garner, NC 27529
Dear Butterball Turkey,
This is a true story: When I was in basic training at Fort Benning in Georgia we were doing rifle training and a bunch of us were on the firing line. There were 10 guys or so with two clips of 20 rounds each. A gaggle of turkeys came onto the range and the tower called a ceasefire. There had to be 20-30 of these wild turkeys!
Wild turkeys are much smaller than a real turkey. There wasn’t a lot of meat on any of these birds. I thought we were just going to wait for them to safely pass from one side of the range to the other, but then we were told to switch to “burst” which fires three shots of 5.56 ammo with every pull of the trigger. We were told to take aim at the birds. We were told to fire!
In waves of 30, bullets flew through the air, until all 400 rounds had been expended. The firing line was engulfed in a fog of burnt gun powder. When the smoke literally cleared I expected to see nothing but feathery carnage! If bullets meant for people hit a small bird I’d think it would explode into tiny scraps of meat, feather and bone.
I looked up, and to my surprise not one turkey had been hit. Not one! It was pretty much a miracle.
By the way, I like your turkey.
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
Butterball®
September 30, 2010
Christopher L. Jorgensen
P.O. Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
Dear Mr. Jorgensen,
Thank you for contacting us regarding our product.
We are delighted to hear how much you enjoy our products and it is always a pleasure to receive a compliment from a satisfied customer. We have shared your comments with both the Quality Assurance and Marketing Departments.
We are grateful for your loyalty and will promise to continue to maintain the quality products you enjoy. As a thank you, we’ve enclosed an assortment of recipe cards, which we hope you will enjoy.
Sincerely,
Minnie Hambrick
Consumer Response Representative
Ref: N400465
BUTTERBALL, LLC
P. O. Box 1547
Kings Mountain, NC 28086
P: 1-800-BUTTERBALL
1-800-288-8372
www.butterball.com
Santa Claus
Santa Claus
1 Santa Claus Lane
North Pole, AK 99705
December 7, 2009
my dad says I can only write if I "make it very clear" I am "an over privileged person who is too old to be writing Santa." He's afraid someone will send a toy that could go to some deserving kid, and he's right. I haven't been very Good this year, so anything sent to me will just be donated. So why am I writing ? Well, I have a question.
What does Santa call the "elves?" "Santa's Little Helpers" doesn't sound very nice and everyone knows there are no such thing as elves (or fairies either, even tooth ones). Calling an elf small or little seems like bullying to me and I know that bullying is bad, so what does Santa call them? Some of my friends want to know really really bad, so I said I would ask.
What does Santa
Call the elves?
Thanks,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
p.s. I turn [redacted] in August!
Dad says I can't tell!
Dear C. Jorgenson
Merry Christmas
From Santa,
You have been so good this year that I am writing this letter especially for you.
I just finished making the last toys for the year. Now the elves will put all those toys in my sleigh. It’s a big, big job and the elves work very hard. I’m sure you work very hard too.
I’ll be checking my list again, I always check it twice, to see who has been naughty or nice. You are on the good list and Santa hopes you will continue to be good all the time.
Some of the younger elves are learning how to take care of the reindeer. They can’t do it by themselves yet, but they are learning. They are good helpers, just like you.
Santa wishes you a very
Merry Christmas.
Elf Ricky
Santa’s Mail Bag, 1 Santa Claus Lane, North Pole, Alaska 99705
Big Cat Rescue
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
December 10, 2010
Big Cat Rescue
12802 Easy Street
Tampa, FL 33625
Dear Big Cat Rescue,
Merry Christmas!
I’ve watched two of your big cat videos online and have to say watching tigers rip into pumpkins and lions catching tossed turkey carcasses really brings a smile to my face! Then I feel bad because it’s that time of year again when we’re told to focus our charitable feeling toward our fellow man, but honestly, I don’t much like people.
I know you can’t go feeding people to the lions (this isn’t Rome after all!), but pumpkins and dead turkeys isn’t very sporting if you ask me. I was thinking you could pick something a bit more entertaining like a chiuaua or yorkie (obviously an adult dog as a puppy would stand little or no chance against a lion!)
I’d pay to see that. Who wouldn’t? So the way I see it I have an extra $5 laying around. I’m sending you this. I realize you probably can’t get a chiuaua or yorkie for $5, but maybe I could go in with someone else on a scottish terrier or something? If you decide to not buy dogs with my money then please put it toward the smallest of your big cats (I figure they don’t eat as much).
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
Big Cat Rescue
A Non-Profit Educational Sanctuary
Big Cat Rescue
12802 Easy Street
Tampa, FL 33625
www.BigCatRescue.org
(813) 920-4130
C Jorgensen
P.O. Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
Dear C Jorgensen,
This letter is to acknowledge and thank you for your generous donation to Big Cat Rescue on 12/10/2010 valued at $5.00. Your contribution has helped us provide a better home for these magnificent and deserving animals.
We have not provided you with any goods or services in exchange for this donation. Big Cat Rescue Corp. is a 501(c)(3) non-profit corporation registered with the State of Florida to solicit donations. Our registration number is CH-11409 and we use no paid solicitors, so 100% of your donation goes to the sanctuary, 0% to any solicitor.
On behalf of the cats, thank you very, very much!
For the cats,
Jamie Veronica
Jamie Veronica
President of Big Cat Rescue
12802 Easy Street
Tampa, FL 33625
813.920.4130 fax 813.920.5924
info@BigCatRescue.org
IRS FEIN 59-3330495
www.BigCatRescue.org
I celebrate your holiday in spirit with you, so whatever you do this time of year, that’s cool with me. You don’t need my permission, but you have my blessing. You do you, and I’ll be happy for you. I especially support your decision to do nothing. Happy holidays!
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen