Dear Reader,
follows is a fresh letter, an encore letter, and one that went out the door yesterday. In short, the usual for this newsletter.
You may have noticed that I titled this issues of the Jackass Letters newsletter differently. I’m going to give this a try for a bit, see if I like it better. Let me know what you think. Hit reply and send me an email. Or, if you like, send me some real mail at the address below.
Cheese Brother’s
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
July 12, 2022
Cheese Brothers
1623a US Hwy 8
Barron, WI 54812
Dear Cheese Brothers,
Look, I like cheese curds as much, or probably more, than the next guy, but I can't go through eight packs before some of them spoil. Do they freeze? I mean, I don't know how long a bag of curds stays fresh, but I have to imagine it's weeks, not months, so unless I can freeze some, ordering eight packs is just going to end up with some of them being wasted and no one wants that. Wasting cheese curds should be a crime if it isn't already.
I love friend cheese curds. I like the taste and the texture and I love that they're good for me too. I try to eat healthy when I can and dairy is an important part of your diet. If you have a recipe for fried cheese curds I would love it if you would share it. I'm open to better ways of doing things.
I like my cheese curds hot and gooey. In fact, I know of no other way to eat them. I've tried them right out of the bag, and I suppose they were OK that way, but not like when they are covered in batter and fried. Yum!
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
Cheese Brothers
1623A US 8
Barron, WI 54812
July 25, 2022
Hello, Mr. Jorgensen -
Thanks so much for the letter! We’re so glad you’ve enjoyed the curds and thanks for your support! The curds can indeed be frozen and should if you plan on keeping them for more than about a week. If you’re going to fry them, we also recommend freezing them first so they don’t melt the moment they touch the oil.
To thaw them, I usually leave them out on the counter for a few hours, or you can zap them in the microwave in 8-10 second increments until they’re a bit softer. Gives them more flavor and sometimes the squeak!
Hope that helps. :)
Cheers,
Hollis Van Akkeren
Cheese Brothers Customer Service
hollis@cheesebros.com
Campbell’s Soup
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
January 31, 2012
Campbell Soup Company
1 Campbell Place
Camden, NJ 08103
Dear Campbell’s Soup,
I think you should come out with duck soup. Duck is probably my favorite bird to eat (I’ve never had egret though). Duck & Dumplings, Duck & Noodles, Duck Vegetable. I’m salivating just thinking about it (it’ll make sealing this letter that much easier!)!
A friend of mine told me you sell watercress and duck gizzard soup in China, but I’m not sure I believe him. The duck gizzard isn’t exactly something I’d be excited about eating. I’m also not going to go all the way to China to get a can of soup, so please come out with duck soup in America, but make sure it’s the tasty parts!
I want me some duck! M’m! M’m! Good!
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
Campbell’s ®
Consumer Response Center
One Campbell Place
Camden, NJ 08103-1701
February 9, 2012
Dear Mr Jorgensen:
We have forwarded your comments to the appropriate department. We appreciate feedback like yours because it helps us become aware of consumer preferences and concerns.
At Campbell, our number one priority is to delight our consumers. We realize that it is consumers like you who have helped build our businesses and we sincerely appreciate your loyalty.
As a small token of our thanks, I’ve enclosed a coupon. Please use it to enjoy your favorite product from the Campbell family of brands including V8, Prego, Pace, and Pepperidge Farm.
Sincerely,
Dreena Toporcer
Consumer Services Representative
005625964A
Stop Masturbation Now
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
July 28, 2008
SMN Industries
7750 S Lonnies Loop
Safford, AZ 85546-7775
Dear Stop Masturbation Now,
I am writing concerning your website: stopmasturbationnow.org. You are doing a great disservice to humanity. In this day and age masturbation is one of the few unmitigated joys left in our world. Look, I don't want to admit to anything that will make you uncomfortable, but I, for one,—and I know I am not alone—am a staunch proponent of masturbation. Spanking the monkey reduces stress, relieves pressure, brings pleasure, and doesn't cause unwanted side effects like pregnancy. Masturbation is great.
The only conclusion I can come to is that you are doing it wrong (previously I did not think there was a way to do it wrong). I encourage you to give it another shot. Maybe follow a tutorial or watch how they do it in one of the many pornographic videos available for free online. Polishing the old bishop is not difficult and if you plan ahead it doesn't need to be messy either. Just get yourself a box of Kleenex and shoot for the stars. No muss, no fuss!
In fact, I would go so far as to say that we need more masturbation in the world, not less. This starts with you, my friend. Give it a go. See how you like it, then spread the gospel. You won't regret it! With an appropriate new website I am sure you could have the whole world masturbating in no time. Feel free to write back, but please wash your hands first.
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
There you go. That’s the newsletter. See you next Wednesday. Hopefully with a new letter even. Remember, subscribe, share, like, and help me make this newsletter a success.
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen