Woof Woof
Going to the Dogs
Dear Reader,
Today we have on the menu three tasty vintage letters from the archive. My writing has slowed, predictably, so have my responses. I’ve sent out a couple, and you’ll be the first to know when I get new replies. Until then, please enjoy a letter about beans and a cat, a letter about a bigly gun, and lastly an unanswered letter regarding some tasty chicken.
Bush’s Best
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
January 26, 2012
Bush Brothers and Co.
PO Box 52330, Department C
Knoxville, TN 37950-2330
Dear Bush Beans,
This is going to be a strange story, but I swear it’s true. My girlfriend’s cat loves chickpea jelly from your garbanzo beans cans. She eats up the stuff and begs for more. We feed it to her using a special spatula reserved solely for her use. We call this the cat spatula! It’s so bad that when we make something that comes in a can, but isn’t garbanzo beans, she insists on inspecting the can to make sure we’re not holding out on her.
For Christmas I got my girlfriend’s cat a can of Bush Brothers chickpeas and the inaugural issue of “Chickpea” magazine. I put these in her stocking above the fireplace (my girlfriend made the cat’s stocking and it is red and green and shaped like a paw!). She wasn’t that impressed, but she’s a cat. She can’t read (yet) and can’t open the can on her own (yet), so I don’t know what reaction I should have been expecting.
We plan to shoot video of her enjoying her chickpea jelly treat off her cat spatula! If you’re interested I can send you a link to the video if I ever figure out YouTube. The cat’s name is Honey Quow. (There’s a story there too, but it’s too long and I have things to do today.)
Would it be possible to get a can of the chickpea jelly without the garbanzo beans?
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
Bush’s Best
Bush Brothers & Company
1016 East Weisgarber Road, Knoxville, TN 37909-2669
Tel: (865) 588-7685
January 31, 2012
Mr. Christopher Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010-0546
Ref #: 252610
Dear Mr. Jorgensen:
Thank you for complimenting our Garbanzo Beans. We are delighted to hear that you and your cat have tried and enjoyed our products.
We do not package our products without beans…it is actually the natural starch from the beans that thicken the brine in the can - without the beans, it would only be water and salt.
Again, we thank you for taking the time to contact us. We appreciate your interest in our products.
Sincerely,
Kenna Hess
Consumer Relations Coordinator
Enclosures :
(2) Variety Beans ¢ Off
GLOCK, Inc.
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
January 21, 2017
GLOCK, Inc.
6000 Highlands Parkway
Smyrna, GA 30082
Dear GLOCK, Inc.,
Here’s what I want: I want the biggest hand cannon, with the best stopping power, money can buy. When I pull out my gun I want the bad guy filling his drawers, and when he’s shot I want him to fall down and stay down! A guy that get up after you shoot him is just a guy you have to shoot again!
I want a man’s man gun. I want something that is loud and kicks like a mule! I want big bullets that leave nothing in doubt! When I pull that trigger I want that thing to go BOOOM! I don’t need anything flashy or fashionable. I just need something intimidating; a gun that can punch a serviceable hole in someone you could drive a truck through! If it’s not racist I’d prefer something black, but I’d consider something in silver if you think that would suit me better. Budget really isn’t a concern. I say when it comes to personal safety there’s no reason to skimp! But if if it were cheap enough I might even buy two. One for each hand. Twice the ammo, twice the stoping power! Twice the BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
I don’t think I need it to hold a lot of rounds, since in the unlikely event I do pull the trigger, I don’t plan on missing. If it matters, I have bigly hands, so I’m not trying to compensate for lacking in other areas. I just want a bigly gun!
So what do you recommend?
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
GLOCK, Inc.
P.O. Box 369 Smyrna,
Georgia 30081 U.S.A.
Tel. +1 (770) 432 1202
Fax +1 (770) 433 8719
Date: 2/8/2017
Christopher L. Jorgensen
P.O. Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
Hello Christopher L. Jorgensen
I’m responding to your mailed in correspondence Letter. I have included our just released GLOCK 2017Annual which also doubles as a Buyer’s Guide with specifications to all of our current pistol models.
Next, I have also enclosed a list of authorized GLOCK Stocking Dealers & Range Dealers within 30 miles of your zip code.
Lastly, to answer your question about the most powerful GLOCK Pistol caliber we offer, that would be our 10mm models which include; the GLOCK G20, G29, & G40.
Note: GLOCK does not sell pistols directly to the public.
With kind regards,
Chris Knighton
Customer Service Rep
Phone +1 770 432-1202 x 6269
Fax +1 770 433-8719
GLOCK, Inc.
8000 highlands Parkway, Smyrna. GA 30382 USA
www.glock.com
Christopher_L_Jorgensen-Returnlnfo-02-07-2017
Popeyes
Christopher L. Jorgensen
PO Box 546
Ames, IA 50010
April 14, 2015
Popeyes Louisiana Kitchen, Inc.
400 Perimeter Center Terraces, Suite 1000
Atlanta, GA 30346
Dear Popeyes Louisiana Kitchen,
I love Popeyes. I would eat there all the time if it were closer, so it’s probably best for me that I have to travel nearly an hour to get some cajun fish and fries with a biscuit side, because if I ate that every day I would be pushing maximum density! I love your cinnamon apple pies; fried and not baked like other lame places. I can eat like five of them in one sitting. More than two apple pies and I feel like I am a beached whale, but I still do it. Sometimes we just have to live for the moment.
Man, I shouldn’t have started writing you this letter before lunch. Now I am hungry!
It’s cruel that I have to drive to get a some chicken that’s worth eating. One shouldn’t have to road trip for some quality fried food. I wouldn’t have to either if you had a location in Ames, IA. Please open up shop here. I’d eat enough blackened chicken tenders to make it worth both our whiles!
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
Thanks for hanging out with me. By the way, I suck at self-promotion, so I rely on you to tell others. You know, the usual drill. Subscribe if you haven’t. Like if you have. Share wherever you think people would appreciate what I’ve got going. It really helps.
Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
p.s. I think I am going to be taking this newsletter to a weekly publication (at least until I get a lot more subscribers). So see you next Sunday (no more Wednesday newsletter going forward for a while at least).